Goat Simulator Review: The Dumbest Game You Won’t Regret Playing
So, I have been tasked with writing a review of Goat Simulator. I will endeavor to do my best, but be warned: this is not a typical game review. Which is fitting, since this isn’t a typical game. Goat Simulator is an unapologetically pointless game that one can only appreciate by playing.
First of all, if you haven’t heard of Goat Simulator yet, then you’re hanging around the wrong websites. Goat Simulator is a spoof of the Simulator craze that’s been a constant undercurrent on PC for years — train simulators, farm simulators, flight simulators, etc. As such, Goat Simulator knows that it is a stupid, pointless game. It’s a spoof of pointless games.
And it really is a stupid, pointless game. You control a goat with a lolling tongue. You can freely roam the game world at your leisure; there are no quests here, nor story, nor puzzles. It’s all just you, the goat, running around doing goat-y things. Which means, for the most part, being a destructive little jerk.
To aid you in your wanton destruction, you can run, head-butt, jump, and lick things (which acts as a grab). As you run around scaring people, headbutting everything, and licking whatever you please, you rack up points and can even gain multipliers. The score, like the rest of the game, is utterly pointless. There’s neither leaderboard nor Game Center to preserve your epic Goat Simulator performance. It’s just you and the goat.
All that said, there’s a surprising amount of little things to do hidden in this game. The game will not point them out to you, and some of them may happen almost unnoticed, but they’re there. After a few minutes you start to get the hang of this game’s way of thinking. And then you unlock your first special goat skin and it’s fun again. And then you get the “Michael Bay Kaboom!!!” and you remember for a moment how dumb this game really is (but you don’t stop playing).
It needs to be mentioned that this game runs on the Unreal Engine. Yes, the same engine that runs games like Infinity Blade. It’s probably the worst use of the Unreal Engine’s powerful graphics technology I have ever come across. The goat doesn’t even cast a shadow! Texture maps are serviceable, but clearly they didn’t invest a lot of time making this game.
It’s impossible to give such a dumb, pointless game a high score. But this is one of those games you will enjoy with guilt for at least as long as the novelty endures. I can’t say you’ll get your $4.99’s worth; but then, it’s cheaper than a ticket to the last Michael Bay film, and it’s definitely better than that was.
Our Score: 3 out of 5